HOOVER, AL — In what is not at all a transparent attempt to distract from media coverage of his peeing in public earlier this week, the staff of Carter Cockfight’s presidential campaign for permanently liberating America from the immigrant menace this morning shared the convictions that got them involved in his campaign.
- Campaign Manager King Cockfight: “I mean, he’s Family. Plus, you know, politics and running campaigns is kind of what I do. Not because I really want to do anything, since we got money and I don’t really have to make any, but because I get to feel important about things, and it really just gives me something to do. Oh, and I was really upset when Aunt Dora got boned by that English professor. It really showed that immigration is a bad thing for Carter, two or three generations down the line.”
- Assistant Campaign Manager for Press and Communications Efforts Dale J. Glucker: ”I must disclose that I am a registered sex offender because I forcibly mooned a Patch.com blogger in front of her daughters because she did not post a pic of a Kroger.”
- Executive Foreign Policy Adviser and BBQ Chef Minuteman Charles: ”Carter McCarthy Cockfight is one of the most decent Americans I have ever met. We have spent many an hour together sitting on whatever foreign border we happen to be covering that day—Texas, Arizona, Florida, Wyoming—talking about the illegals and the other immigrants have done to him and what they are doing to our nation. He understands that the only thing wrong with this fine country is that we keep letting other people in who are not from here, and that we don’t shoot them before they get in here and change us. Because changing things makes us different, and they might not be the America that I like—the one that’s all about guns, hamburgers, and white men in charge. He’s a hell of a son of a bitch, and his collection of things he’s killed with his bare damn hands is amazing. It’s in the campaign trailer, y’all want to see it?”
- Executive Domestic Policy Adviser Howie Jeffries: “Hey, there, long-time listener but first time sharer. I just wanted to say that Carter Cockfight, unlike any of these lazy you-know-whos who don’t support him is a guy who gets what’s wrong with this country. And me and him, I tell you, we sit around and we talk a lot about how people we hate certain types of people all day long and all that’s wrong with them and in ways that are really outrageous and stuff, so he’s totally my guy. Thanks. I’m going to stop talking and listen now.”
- Motivational Asian Sonia Chu: “Sure, I guess it is, like, totally being a prostitute, and it’s weird that I have to dress like an Asian Sarah Palin all the time, but you know, I don’t have to have sex with him all the time. And it beats going to grad school, though I bet I can totally write about this for like a thesis in English or biology or law school or something. I guess they made me sign that non-disclosure thingie, but it doesn’t really, like, count because I did it in a car, right? Oh… oh! I mean, me love you long time dontchaknow?”
- Associate Campaign Manager for Being-a-Fake-Mexican-Pig-We-Chase-and-Kill Special Projects Piguel XXXIX: “Oink.”